Things I learned from Shark Week:

1. Don’t live in Australia. Or South Africa. “Why does anyone ever go in the water??”

2. Don’t put your hand in a shark’s mouth. It will bite you.

3. Don’t kiss a shark on the mouth. It will bite you. “Idiot. Why would you kiss a shark?”

4. When the seals are getting out of the water, you probably should, too.

5. Even sharks want their fifteen minutes of fame, like the one that “evacuated its bowels” in front of the camera.

6. Don’t get between a whale and its dinner. It does not care that you are fragile.

7. Maybe it’s just the way the Discovery Channel programs their shows, but it seems like it’s mostly just men who are dumb enough to get in the water with the deadliest ocean predators. Seriously, why does anyone ever get in the water???

Until next summer, Shark Week. I’ll miss you.

And now I’m craving fresh tuna.